FEMALE DESIRE AND THE POLITICS OF PORN

Introduction: The Disconnect Between Desire and Reality

The poem below, titled “Ropes”, explores the tensions between lust, love, and the sexual dynamics shaped by media. For many women — myself included — there is a growing sense of disconnection between our embodied desire and the kind of sexual intimacy heterosexual men have come to expect. These expectations are often shaped not by tenderness or emotional connection, but by a pornified performance of sex, in which women are props and pleasure is symmetrical with dominance.

Ropes

I feel so strongly in my throat-full desire,

That you deserve to be kissed by lips hot as fire.

My soul so craves to be tied to yours,

To search your flesh for what your mind obscures.

I want you so desperate, that I fear I’ll bite.

That I couldn’t refrain with all my might.

I regret that my love is a physical kinship.

But to me, it is the epitome of an eternal worship.

That all I want is to know your skin,

To hold your heart and feel within.

It hurts me so that you don’t crave the same.

That you hold my heat and say, ‘this is not my game.’

For what is physical love to you?

Is it unnatural arches and shades of blue?

Have you watched thy act in a smudged black mirror?

Have you learned that flesh is a red-hot sinner?

Or have you known it in shades of vinyl black?

Have you forgotten her face and been transfixed by her back?

And I feel alone in ropes of shame,

Because our threads of love are not the same.

Sex Through a Male Lens: The Pornographic Imprint

In a patriarchal society, female desire is often mediated — or misrepresented — through the lens of male fantasy. Though women may dominate the screen in adult films, the gaze that frames them is overwhelmingly male. Porn is, like any genre, built on tropes: horror gives us masked killers and eerie laughter, while porn offers bound limbs, silicone skin, and submission framed as pleasure.

With mainstream categories such as “rough”, “hardcore”, and “bondage”, violence has become synonymous with desire. The popularity of searches like “18” or “schoolgirl” reveals a disturbing truth: many men appear aroused not by sexual equality, but by power dynamics that exploit youth, vulnerability, and impressionability.

The Fetishisation of Exclusion: Why Men Watch Lesbian Porn

According to Pornhub’s 2023 data, the most searched category was “lesbian.” With 68% of users being men, this statistic reveals less about inclusivity and more about fetishisation. Lesbian intimacy — a space that should centre on women’s connection — becomes another tool for male consumption. Even when men are explicitly excluded from the act, their gaze remains.

In forums and comment sections, explanations are flippant: men prefer it because there’s “no dick on screen.” But this kind of voyeurism isn’t harmless — it reinforces the idea that women’s bodies exist for visual pleasure, not emotional or relational connection.

The Absence of Female-Oriented Pornography

Despite women comprising 32% of Pornhub’s audience, there is a severe lack of content designed for female pleasure. Women may consume porn — but what they consume has been sculpted through male ideals. And even when women enjoy aggressive or performative sex, we must ask: how much of that is authentic, and how much is conditioning?

From early exposure to male-dominated media to silent scripts around female sexuality, women have long been taught that to be desirable is to submit, perform, and please. So we play the part. We arch our backs, bite our lips, moan in ways we’ve seen rewarded — even when those sounds do not reflect our real experiences.

Sex as Performance: The Bedroom as a Stage

In my novel Silenda, Astrid Turrow confesses her discomfort with having sex in a bed, saying it feels like a stage. That imagery rings painfully true: from childhood, girls are socialised into performance — nurturing dolls, hosting pretend tea parties, learning to smile, serve, and soothe.

Femininity becomes a script: be pretty but natural, sexy but not slutty, smart but not intimidating. We perform — in public, in love, in friendship — and in the bedroom, too. We do what’s expected because it’s been embedded into us.

The Politics of Female Desire: A Call to Reclaim

It is no wonder, then, that many women crave male validation. We’ve been told since birth to earn male attention — so of course we seek praise from the people we were raised to please. But too often, we are left unfulfilled. We give everything — body, emotion, performance — and are left asking: what was it all for?

Women deserve more. We deserve partners who see us, not fantasies. We deserve sex that honours mutual desire, not scripts from adult websites. And we deserve to explore our own sexuality without the omnipresent shadow of male expectation.

Conclusion: The Reimagining of Intimacy

This isn’t about vilifying men — it’s about challenging the systems that have shaped how we all relate to sex. For men, this means interrogating what porn has taught them, and recognising how it may distort real intimacy. For women, it means unlearning performance and rediscovering authentic desire.

Porn has no place in a relationship where real connection is prioritised over spectacle. We are not actresses. We are not props. We are women — tender, powerful, complex — and we deserve to feel like people, not props.